Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
