Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
