Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
