I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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