I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
