3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
well I can't set my house on fire every night
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
