Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
