Define "chronic" masturbator.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
