Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
