Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
