there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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