in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
