I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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