I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
