I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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