YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
