i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
