She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
