My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
