david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize