if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
