You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
