Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your penis caused this!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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