I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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