Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
