i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
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no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.