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he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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