and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.