her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.