Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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