that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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