i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
