clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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