she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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