I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
