i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
