yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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