I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
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