Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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