You just made me feel so damn special
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
