do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
