There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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