4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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