a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
