went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
