see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
