I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
