my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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