I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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