You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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