He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
