you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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