Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
