i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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