My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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