Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
