I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
