I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
