omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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