My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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