What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
