New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
