i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
