It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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